Chel C's

A New Day

Well, the concert was good...but Robert wasn't there. I had to call him before he told me he 'wasn't feeling good'. Kate says that boys are often a dissapointment, but Robert has never been that to me. He was my best friend, and we were always there for each other...I guess it's time to accept that the Robert I knew has died. He committed suicide, and now this thing/person in his body doesn't know or care about me. It's so sad! I just want him to know God, and be happy. I know that things won't just get better after knowing God...things got a lot harder for me (and I will admit I fell). But I am ok now, and I have been humbled.

It took me a while to understand why everything happened as it did in my life...but I understand a bit better now. I had to fall from God in high school for a few reasons: 1) I didn't really understand what it meant to trust in Him. I knew I believed and that He was All, but I didn't understand that He calls for our lives, not just our belief. 2) I didn't see myself as bad. I always saw myself as good and worthy (I even prayed for God to sacrifice myself to save my friend Tara...I'm not God, I can't do that). I had to commit the sin I thought of as bad and evil. Once I lost my virginity, I saw myself as the 'wretcj' and teh 'unworthy one'. I had always sang Amazing Grace because it was an amazing song...not because I realized it's truth. I never viewes myself as that wretch.

I wish I could have learned that lesson with my virginity still intact, it would save my husband (whenI have one) from that grief. But I am saved, and God has made me clean. Now, all I want to do is learn to love my body (fat and scars included). Once I get there, I will be better. But until then, I have struggle. I am fighting the temptation everyday to hate myself (and therefore God's creation). I am perfect the way He made me, because He made me this way for a purpose. He doesn't look at the shell, He looks at the heart. If I cannot love the shell, then my heart is not pure. It is a sin to hate one's self the way I do.

It's so hard to want to be beautiful, when I am at a college surrounded by beautiful women. They prance around in almost nothing because it's spring...and I just want to cry. I wore a skirt yesterday to be a little more feminine, and beautiful. It was hard, because I don't look as good in a skirt as anyone I know. So here I am...beautiful to God and Godly individuals (as well as the church), but I can't see myself that way. Satan has set a trap and I am caught in it. But God is faithful and He will help me. Amen. God bless!

posted by Chelsea Norris @ 1:59 PM