Chel C's

Pray for me...

I am having the urge to cut again...It's been with me since Saturday afternoon and tonight it finally hit a head and had me bawling like a baby...I couldn't make myself stop and I was afraid my roommate was going to come home to a nervous breakdown and the men in white coats were going to have to haul me away...Pray that God will help me through this temptation.

On another note, journaling and dating my poetry has proved to be a HUGE benefit, as I wrote the following poem exactly a year ago and tonight spent almost an hour looking for it so I could post it here tonight because it's how I feel. Apparently my Bipole cycle is pretty regular, as I get depressed around the end of October and it gets worse until around December...I'm just going to have to keep better track of this as it would be wonderful to know when I'm about to go crashing down and when I'm going to be flying high...That way I can get the accountability and care I need.

Again pray that God helps me over this temptation, because I'm really itching to cut. Thank God I'm too chicken to use a razor, because all other sharps are at my house.

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(FYI, I haven't cut in almost 2 years. The following poem was my alternative one night when the itch and urge got too strong).

A PERFECT EVENING 11/7/05

The metal glistens
As she opens the drawer.
Light hits the knife
As she finds what she is looking for.
Hope rises
As her hands reaches out.
Sanity beckons then falls away
As she sighs away all doubt.

It's cool to the touch
It's sharp to the scrape

Blood oozes out
As the blade passes by.
A little bit at first, then more and more
As she cuts up her inner thigh.
Blood steadily flowing
As she finds an inner peace.
Finally she collapses
As she begins her release.

Flesh stings to the touch
Tears salty to the taste

Blood and water
Slowly going down the drain.
When tears join in
Temporary the pain has been slain
Now it is off to bed to try and forget
All bad memories
And all her regret.
Head to the pillow
Blankets covering the fleshly slice.
Good night sweet roommate
You are oh, so nice.

posted by Chelsea Norris @ 10:16 PM