Chel C's

Fifth wheel?

Well, I went down to Pueblo yesterday with some friends to see the Jimmy Eat World and Taking Back Sunday concert. It was an outdoor concert, and it was freezing cold! But it was a pretty good concert, and I think that everyone had fun.

Concerts always make me think, and sometimes that's not good. See, last night, I felt like the fifth wheel (which is funny, because there weren't any couples there). Coy and Grinny were reminiscing old times, and the guys are just the guys (There's that separation thing between guys and girls of Faith). So I spent quite a while alone...and then we were at the concert, and I had time to think.

I saw people that reminded me so much of my past. I was never a 'punk' or 'skater' in high school, but I hung out with them, and there were tons of them there. Not the people I knew but I may as well have...It got me to thinking, thinking about how different my life could have been if one thing would have changed here or there. It also made me really lonely (I used to have this one guy that would cuddle with me when it was cold out, and he always warmed me up).

I had to spend some time in prayer asking God to quiet my heart (I am trying so hard to wait patiently and silently for my earthly caretaker...but it keeps getting harder). Then, after the concert, we went to one of the guy's houses to stay the night. We watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, and I spent more time reminiscing in my childhood...It's so weird, I mean I am only 19 and yet I have all these memories and I have reached that point where I can never go back. My best friend from my childhood (who also happens to be one of my best friends to this day, and my cousin) is going to have her first child. My first boyfriend is all grown up, and he works at the local mall. My childhood idols are married and starting their own lives...And I have realized that not all of my dreams are going to come true.

See, life isn't fair. There is pain and anguish in this world, and there's only so much parents can do to shield you from it. And there's virtually nothing they can do to prepare you for it. I think the only thing they can do is make sure that your home isn't one of those places, and then let you know that you are always welcome to come home (my cousin's parents have done that, and she's moving home soon, to my delight).

But as the saying goes, "you can't go home again". My home has changed so much in the past year, that the place I am returning to is no longer home. My brother is old enough to drive (with a parent), he's in high school and he's looking for a job. He has grown up so much in the past year, that I don't know him very well any more (which is why going home is going to be bitter sweet, I will get to know him again, but we will never be little and innocent like before). he is so lost and angry, and I feel like it's partly my fault. I should have sheltered him less, or more...I shouldn't have told him everything that had happened to me or my friend...But that's all in the past, and I can't change that now. My parent's aren't the Christians I once thought they were...My mother believes in evolution but not the Bible, and my father thinks I am crazy because God told me not to become a doctor but a mother instead. See, they believe in God...but they don't know Him. I am going 'home' to a place filled with memories, and the people from those memories are still there...It's just that I have finally seen behind the curtain, or a veil has been lifted from my eyes. Home is not home anymore, it has changed so much.

I am nervous about this summer! I know there's going to be a lot of testing of my faith, and I am risking the rejection of my family for Him (but I know that I will be okay). But then there's the worldly problem of money and finances...I am going to be working to pay off my credit card (and get my car fixed...I got into a car accident on Friday night). But my dad might lose his job, which would leave us with no income. And if we don't have an income, we are going to have to start selling things...or giving them away. I'm not really worried about the stuff (I mean I know it's going to hurt my parents, but it's just stuff) what's really going to hurt me, is losing the pets.

My pets have been such a joy in my life, and I really love them. I don't want to lose them! But I need to trust in God and not worry...It's not like worrying can add more time to my life, or solve the problem. I am just going to work. I am going to see if I can get another job (lifeguarding) and then work security as much as possible too. But this summer, my cousin comes first.

List of things to do this summer:
1. Spend time ministering to my cousin and bonding with her
2. Spend time helping my cousin prepare for the baby
3. Spend time with my aunt encouraging her
4. Spend time ministering to my brother and bonding with him
5. Spend time with my younger cousin (bonding, ministering, and personalizing my wardrobe)
6. Learn how to quilt (get one finished...hopefully two)
7. Pay off the credit card
8. Learn how to cook 4 new meals (and cook them well)
9. Put some money in savings
10. Fix my car
11. Put some money in checking account

Well, that's all for now. God bless!

>>>Current mood<<< A little bit stressed, a whole lot tired...and still sick.

posted by Chelsea Norris @ 10:01 PM